Saturday, November 20, 2010

Long Time No Ramble...

I think my hospital kitchen employs a fine dining chef 2 days of the week. For the rest of the week, Friday until Wednesday, I get what can only be described loosly as 'food' on my trays... usually it is a slice of meat, with a 'low salt' (aka - 'tastes like day old porridge') gravy, a dollop of what I'm fairly certain is instant mashed potatoes (or more day old porridge - it could go either way), and corn (possibly the only 'food' element of the meal - and I'm pretty sure it's from a can - luckily even cracker jack cooks from skid row can't skrew up canned corn).

(This is an actual photograph of 'food' that was presented to me here)

Accompanying my 'food' is a bowl of 'soup' which I suspect is made by collecting the shoes of the dead from the ER, boiling them in a large vat with the leftovers from the soup kitchens in the area....

The only redeeming part of the meal is quite often the jello - and unfortunatley by the time it gets to me it is half melted from being on the same tray as hot food.

Nothing says lovin' like gooey half-melted jello that tastes faintly of dead-people-shoe-soles and 'meat'.


On Wendesday....

It's like a paradigm shift. I swear a fancy french Chef moves in so Olga the War Maiden can take her weekend, and in 2 days this master of the culinary arts is able to erase a weeks worth of horror with 4 sublime meals....

Lunch time rolls around and we get a plate of meatballs in sweet and sour sauce, with rice, and 'italian veggies' - and the meatballs are like little pockets of awesomeness nestled in this amazingly well balanced sweet and sour sauce with chunks of green pepper and pineapple in perfect harmony... It is phenomenal...

The soup is a Canadian Pea Soup and it's so thick and flavorful and awesome...

It's mind blowing. The meal is just phenomenal, the flavor is one I have tried (and failed) to replicate at home wiht my own meatballs...

Then dinner comes along and I get Chicken A La King - and it's AMAZING... its served with the softest most melt-in-your-mouth awesome bisquit and rice, and a veggie medley that rivals the Kegs. The A La King is perfectly balanced, creamy, rich, and thick and chunky all at once...

The soup again does not dissapoint - we get a Corn Chowder that is just rich and creamy and full of flavor.

Then Thursday rolls around and by now I've usually forgotten about the week of cardboard 'we-promise-it's-real-food' meals I had to endure to get to the blissful oasis that is the Wed-Thurs menu. Thursday does not dissapoint. Lunch is a roast pork with a gravy that actually tastes like gravy and not something they dragged out of the grease trap and 'seasoned'. The pork is supple and melts in your mouth, and the flavor is out of this world.
The seasoned potatoe wedges it comes with are little nuggets of heaven.
Soup is a cream of mushroom soup that has clearly been made from scratch as it's hearty with mushroom chunks and full of creamy goodness..

The whole thing wraps up Thursday night with what might be the crowning item on the menu - at this point I'm usually dizzy with good food and the peace that comes with knowing your not eating the toenails they collected from the morgue.

Thurdsays dinner is 'Country Style Beef Stew' and let me tell you - those country folk know how to eat... the stew is hearty, thick, and the meat just falls apart in your mouth. It comes with rice and carrots and while im not a fan of the carrots I dont care because the stew and rice are more than enough to satisfy me.


Then... in a rush of reality... Friday rolls around.

Lunch is 'meat with low-sodium gravy'. Great. Olga the war maiden is back at the helm in the kitchen of hell.

The soup is some variation of 'cabbage broth' or 'beef noodle soup' (in which I have never seen either beef OR noodles - though I'm pretty sure I found a small eyeball in yesterday's bowl). Tonight my mashed potatoes were so smoothly shaped from the ice cream scoop I thought at first it was a baseball on my plate.

They smelled and tasted like paper mache.

So to Olga the war maiden cook - I hope you get sick and have to spend a few weeks inpatient being told to 'eat your food so you can get strong and heal!'.

And to whatever glorious beast it is that takes over the kitchen happenings on Wednesday and Thursday's - my hat off to you dude - you are awesome.

For now I will go nibble on the grapes that I managed to salvage off tonights tray - possibly the only food I can be reasonably assured does not contain stuff off the ER floor.

Just 4 more days until our french chef returns.

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